


I Promise(that You are Worth the Confusion)

by Ash_Cassidy97



Series: Maria/Natasha series (I Promise  . . .) [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Asexuality Spectrum, Awesome Phil Coulson, BAMF Phil Coulson, F/F, Grey-A, Labels suck and you really shouldn't use them in terms of human sexuality, M/M, Minor Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Natasha Feels, Natasha-centric, Phil Coulson explains all the things, Phil Coulson is the Human Tech support, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Pre-Avengers (2012), The Author Regrets Nothing, discussion of serious topics, seriously he totally did the research, slight backstory, still rated teen because this stuff should be discussed more openly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3489614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ash_Cassidy97/pseuds/Ash_Cassidy97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha doesn't necessarily like sex. She and Phil talk about it, friend to friend.</p>
<p>AKA, Natasha gets better at accepting who she is after joining Shield.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There is a chapter devoted to resources. It's chapter three.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I don’t think I like sex.” Natasha dropped onto Coulson’s couch.

 

Coulson set down his pen, and sat back, away from his desk. It was early in the morning, and Coulson had just gotten started on paperwork, but that didn’t matter all that much, because it was Natasha. Natasha had only joined Shield less than two years ago, and was still not ‘adjusted’ to Shield.

 

“Alright. Why?” Coulson didn’t ask why Natasha was having this conversation with him, and not Maria, Natasha’s semi-girlfriend. They’d started dating a couple weeks back, after a lot of discussion about whether or not Natasha was dating to repay a debt. She wasn’t, for the record. Coulson had worked out a while ago that he was people’s tech support for human experiences, and Natasha had started talking to him a lot after a mission involving a butterfly trading ring.

 

“I don’t. I mean I understand how to make people want me, how to want them back, but I don’t want sex part of it, you know?”

 

“Is it okay if I sit next to you?" Coulson asked. Natasha nodded. Coulson sat down on the couch next to her, she leaned against his side, and handed him a cup of coffee.

 

“So, you prefer cuddling to sex?" Phil, it was Phil now that this was clearly not a work thing, asked.

 

“Maybe. I don’t know. You ever want the intimacy, but not the grossness of it?" she asked, slightly off kilter. The Black Widow was not supposed to be confused, not supposed to be uncertain, and it still felt like life with Shield was entirely that. The Black Widow had been trained to be fearless about everything, to kill in every situation, to take control.

 

“Yes," Coulson said calmly. “Some days I want to kick off my shoes, and order Chinese, and go to sleep against Clint.” People have needs, okay? Paperwork does not fulfill those needs, despite what certain Hawks say at the water cooler. “Try telling me everything that you hate about sex, and everything that you like.”

 

“I like the moments after, where my partner can’t hide, can’t fake what they’re feeling. I hate the slide of bodily fluids, of expectations, or feeling out of control or feeling that way with somebody else. I like the release, but I don’t like the action of it with another person.” Natasha stared at Coulson, trying to get him to understand.  
  


“Do you feel the same sense of release from other activities, like sparring or ?" Coulson asked. His face remained one of non-judgement.

 

“Yes. I just feel like sex isn’t as much a release for me as it is for other people. I like Maria, I like making her happy, it makes me happy, but I don’t like sex. I like that it makes her happy, but I worry that she’ll think that’s she’s pressuring me or will get all emotional that I don’t like it enough," Natasha said softly. “Is it wrong to not like sex for itself?”

 

“No.” Coulson didn’t feel pity for Natasha. She could handle herself very well. “Is it wrong that I prefer to have sex with only men?”

 

“No. You and Clint are great together," she quickly said. There had been a lot of explanations involved for her to get to the point where she stopped threatening Coulson for the remote possibility of hurting Clint.

 

“So sex to you is like vetables. You know that’s it’s healthy, and it makes your partner happy when you do it, but you don’t like doing it all that much, and cheese cake is much much better," Coulson philosophized.

 

“Yes, and I am concerned to tell Maria, because I know that she will freak out, because we’ve had sex. She’ll think that because I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to have it.”

 

“Did you?" Coulson asked sharply.

 

“Maybe. I liked certain part of it, the touching, but maybe not the actual sex bit. I don’t know.” Natasha looked away from him. “I mean I liked it, but it was like eating pizza when I could eat cheese cake or curl up and watch TV with her. Am I broken?" she asked in all seriousness.

 

“Am I broken for liking Captain America comics over critically acclaimed literature? Is Clint broken, because he likes singing in the shower and shooting at targets for six straight hours. Nobody’s broken for liking different things or not liking or disliking everything equally. Sex is a personal thing, and attraction to something or against something is not a requirement to not be broken. You’re not broken, Natasha. You have issues, especially if your neutrality over sex is caused by it being a weapon to you," Phil carefully explained.

 

“I’ve used guns as weapons. I’ve used every part of my body as a weapon. I like both of them. They’re comfortable. Sex is neutral because of me, not what’s been done to me," Natasha said.

 

“That’s fine then. It’s okay to not want to have sex, because of the past," Phil said gently.

 

“That’s not it. I want to want. I have the want with myself, just not with other people.”

 

“Alright. Try explaining this to Maria.”

 

“I don’t, I don’t want to scare her. She tries so hard to- I don’t want to scare her. What if she doesn’t want me anymore? What if she thinks I am too messed up? Why do I even have to tell her?”

 

“Okay. First, if she doesn’t want you, that’s her problem, not yours. It would be the same if I didn’t want Clint, that would be completely on me, because it would be cruel to ask him to change for my satisfaction, understand?” Natasha nodded. Clint was awesome to her the way he is. “Second, one day, she’s going to learn, and she’s going to feel bad, really bad, that you couldn't talk to her. You're in a relationship, Natasha, and you should be trust the relationship enough to be honest. If not, then maybe you’re not in the right relationship. Third, do you want me to mediate the conversation?" Phil asked.

 

“Yes. Tonight?" Natasha asked quickly.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Okay, I’ll just go then.” She turned to leave. “Thanks, Phil.”

 

“Anytime.” Natasha left. Phil got back to being Coulson, and completing his paperwork thoroughly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get that people think that Natasha is always in Black Widow mode, but Shield had help her break and remake herself, and it’s hard to have dignity when doing that, I think. So I don’t apologize for the out of characterness of this, because I think they both would be this blunt.
> 
> I know that somebody will yell at me for this, and that’s alright. This was sort of a pet project of mine, and I needed to define some things through the power of fanfiction. So all comments about lack of realism will be ignored unless they are clearly explained, pointing out exactly what is offensive, because I’ve experienced some of this, and I know others that have at least written about it. This is not self-insertion, because I could see Natasha feeling like this after using sex as a weapon, and I think completely different than this so yeah. Although it is ranting about how people either need to be 100% asexual or not at all. Feel free to criticize any grammar or spelling.


	2. Chapter 2

“You sure this is a good idea?" Natasha asked, standing with Phil outside Maria’s apartment.

 

“To Maria, you are a turn on, even if you don’t like being a turn on," Phil said firmly.

 

“Creepy, Phil," she muttered back, but knocked all the same. He grinned at her innocently. Phil’s humor might be slightly off(he found action movies more funny than anything else, well, except Probies thinking that Fury is kind).

 

“Hey? What’s - up?" Maria’s tone fell slightly flat at the site of the Phil. They’ve had Phil mediate conversations before. “Phil. Hi.” She raised her eyebrows at Phil, but he shook his head.

 

“I bought cheesecake," Phil said, shrugging at Maria. Seriously, he has a weird sense of humor.

 

“Come in," Maria said, standing back. The other two entered the apartment. “So, dinner?" Maria asked.

 

“Yes, I’ll cook.” Phil quickly started messing around in the kitchen. Maria gently hugged Natasha with one arm.

 

“I love, you know?" Maria asked. “No matter what.”

 

“I love you too," Natasha said back. They had gone through a lot to get to this point. Natasha still thinks love can be a weapon, but she loves Maria, and sometimes the trust is worth the risk.

 

“And the food will be about ready ten minutes," Phil called cheerfully. They all stood there for a minute. “So, Natasha?”

 

“I don’t- I don’t like sex all that much.” Natasha wasn’t a coward, but she had a hard time meeting Maria’s eyes.

 

“Okay. Is it something I did?" Maria asked easily, not flinching away.

 

“No. It’s me.”

 

“Are you breaking up with me?” Maria kept her hands visible, standing a few feet apart from Natasha, not wanting to crowd her.

 

“No. I love you. I- no, I’m not breaking up with you.” Natasha started forward, but stopped.

 

“Okay. I love you to. Explain to me why we’ve been having sex if you don’t like it?”

 

“It’s not the sex with you, it’s sex with other people. I don’t like having sex with people that much.”

 

“Alright. So you haven’t been enjoying having sex for the past couple weeks.”

 

“I don’t mind it.” Natasha’s face grew more closed off.

 

“But you don’t love it, not like cheesecake or cuddling.” Natasha didn’t looked shocked(the Black Widow doesn’t do shock), but she did blink. “I live on the internet and handle a lot of the paperwork for one of the few government agencies without a DADT policy, and a firm acceptance policy. I know that there’s people that don’t like sex a lot, don’t like sex at all, or hate sex and romantic things. They can still be in a relationship, and be happy, and their partner can be happy, right?”

 

“Yes. I want us to be happy, to be okay," Natasha said quickly.

 

“Okay then. So, why haven’t you told me before?”

 

“I didn’t know. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or get hurt or I didn’t want to screw this up.” It was hard to be honest, to open up, even if you hadn’t been drilled in evasion tactics for an unknown time span.

 

“That’s fair.” Maria pushed her hair back. “But you that I would love you no matter what, right? If you killed Captain America, I would still love you.”

 

“If only Captain America was alive today," Phil sighed loudly. The women chuckled. It was a very good thing that Clint loved Phil being a nerd and didn’t mind that Phil had a man crush on the lost Captain.

 

“So, do you want to lay off the sex?" Maria asked. “Where do we go from here?”

 

“I don’t mind the sex. It’s sort of like a chore to me. I mean, orgasms feel good, but I don’t particularly want to have them with other people. And that’s not selfish, right?”

 

“No," Coulson cut in calmly. “I mean it’s not selfish if you don’t want to use the bathroom with another person, even though some people do want to do that.”

 

“Do you want masterbate together?" Maria asked. “It’s fine if you don’t. I just want to know the limits, and make sure that everything is clear.”

 

“I might be okay with that. No, I’m fine having sex with you, but it’s not something that I love, but it’s not something that I hate.” Natasha paused then added, “but I like you, and am attracted to you, but I don’t like sex with other people a lot. I like making you happy, and sex makes you happy, and I want to do it in the same way that I like cooking dinner or taking out the trash.”

 

“Are you comfortable receiving or giving sexual pleasure?" Maria asked. Phil kept stirring the pasta absentmindedly. The sad this is that this was not even the weirdest thing he’s done this week(Clint had held a funeral for the destruction of his favorite boomerang arrow two nights ago).

“I’d prefer to give it. I don’t like receiving it from another person.”

 

“Okay. I am worried that you don’t find me attractive," Maria said bluntly.

 

Natasha grinned, because that was just stupid. “I find the way that you pin your hair up, brush your teeth, use of sarcasm and dry wit, fashion, and everything attractive. I find your smiles, feet, mind, and elbows attractive. I just don’t want the sex aspect of it.”

 

“I find your trust, your kindness, your strength, and that moment when people underestimate you attractive," Maria responded, relieved.

 

“So we’re good?" Natasha asked.

 

“We’re good," Maria answered.

 

“And, with my impeccable timing, dinner is ready.”

 

“Over ten minutes, Phil.” Natasha shouldered past him, helping to dish out the plates.

 

“I planned it that way," Phil blustered.

 

“Sure you did," Maria quipped back.

 

“You dare doubt my cooking abilities?" Phil fake roared.

 

“Yes," both of the women said, together.

 

Sure they’re not perfect, but it works for them. Normal is whatever works, and makes you happy, without hurting yourself or others.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so I was sort of astonished by the amount of support on this, and most of you asked for a second chapter so here it is. And I am really grateful for the support on this, because of all the times that I've second guessed myself on writing this. I deeply apologize for the awkwardness of my writing, but this was a personal challenge for me to explain things through fanfiction. Personally, I like the awkwardness, because it is realistic.
> 
> I found this dude, zefrank who did a video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eG9VPvhRsuY&index=6&list=PL0nHacoOeWn8CCCrKaOwcBfUYbmJeoI5Y) about how couples should sit down and just have a night to ask questions about sex without having to feel embarrassed or judgement.
> 
>  
> 
> http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html (Popular Asexual forum)
> 
> Uh, I can give people a lot of other really useful resources if they want, just leave a comment.
> 
> I try to research on a level that is at least on level with Phil Coulson.


	3. Resources

I didn’t do this chapter initially, because I don’t like to preach at you guys. I try hard not to. I wrote it because I could understand why people might be nervous to ask for resources (I certainly am). So, there are a lot of explanations in this chapter, and I worked hard to not preach in any of this. Consent video is first(because I think it’s the most important), sex pos videos are second(because talk about any kind of sex or relationships should be open), and asexual is last. I did my very best to just explain things to y’all.

 

All the links open in the same tab, because I couldn't set them up differently. Sorry about that.

 

 **Consent Video** is [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xr5zqdHs1c) It’s about consent, and it is amazing. It uses the epic tea analogy. I put it in, because Natasha changed her mind about having sex with Maria, and that’s fine. That whole thing was done deliberately, and it is deliberate that the fic about whether or not they will continue to have sex, because asexuals live different sex lives.

 

 **Sex Positive Things** :

I talk a lot about sex positivity and some of y’all may not know what that is. Sex positivity is about be open about sex, gender, and relationships. It’s thinking more of a “we should tell kids that sex can be awesome but they have to be careful and use protection and think”, and less of the “sex will make you pregnant and you will die”(which ignores gender and sexuality spectrums.) Sex positivity is about doing things like not slut-shaming other people, accepting different levels of sexual activity so long as they do not harm other people.

 

Sex positivity is not defined as having lots of sex or forcing other people into having sex. This makes it perfectly awesome for the asexual community to be sex positive. It’s like saying “dude it is awesome if you want to go eat that cake. I support the right for you to eat as much cake and still be healthy. I just don’t want that cake right now”.

 

(it’s funny, because the asexuality community loves cake-it’s a thing)

 

Laci Green is an amazing person to check out for more info about sex positive tops. Her video on how abstinence does not work is located [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6xuW_xhPn4). Sexplanations is another awesome channel to check out(right [here](https://www.youtube.com/user/sexplanations)). Dr. Doe talks about a lot of cool things and most of her videos are Sex Education (the medically accurate way).

 

Hannah Witton’s [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3bQLq9QGA4) about slut-shaming, and the term ‘slut’. She also does a lot of things about Sex Pos.

 

I found this dude, zefrank who did a [video ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eG9VPvhRsuY&index=6&list=PL0nHacoOeWn8CCCrKaOwcBfUYbmJeoI5Y)about how couples should sit down and just have a night to ask questions about sex without having to feel embarrassed or judgement. It’s where I got inspired talking openly about asexuality, and the conversations that took place in this fic.

 

 **Asexual Things** :

 

<http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html> (AVEN: Asexual Visability and Education Network- Asexual 101 guides) Personally, I think this is the best resorce, because it is created by asexuals, and it does talk about the different degrees of asexuality. The 101 guides are right [here](http://www.asexualityarchive.com/category/an-asexuals-guide-to/).

 

Ashley Mandel did this awesome [video ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO_Dk_Z2zRM)about how bisexuals can feel outcasted by the LGTB community, because they’re not strange enough. I thought it sort of applies to gray asexuals.

 

Laci Green’s video on asexuality: [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77o83_U8O5o).

 

D-New’s video on [asexuality](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk74Gj5hXZI). It’s about the documentary ‘(A)sexual’. It does take a little about the history about asexual, and the different views on asexuality, and yes, it does have Laci Green.

 

Girlfriend’s Tv’s asexual playlist. It covers things like the difference between demisexuality and asexuality, seven myths about asexuals busted. It also talks about if asexuals have sex, and why. Located[ here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2GCh81xlpY&list=PLLk2rTGK0v8XTrTbgm7gmA2NS6mrjoHvj&index=1).

 

Other links include:[Do asexuals masterbate?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2GCh81xlpY)

[the truth about asexual masterbation?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8Vno2VosA4)

 

My bookmarks about asexuality is [here](http://archiveofourown.org/bookmarks?utf8=%E2%9C%93&commit=Sort+and+Filter&bookmark_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&bookmark_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&bookmark_search%5Bquery%5D=asexual&bookmark_search%5Brec%5D=0&bookmark_search%5Bwith_notes%5D=0&user_id=Ash_Cassidy97). Some of them aren't about asexuality specifically, and some of them are about people that think they're asexual but aren't. I warn you, because people get weirded out by different things. I would highly recommend the one called "Teambreaking", because it talks about the issues that asexuals face in coming out.

  
I am thinking about writing other fanfics that deal with human sexuality, gender, and gender roles. I write fanfiction to help explain things, and make them more tangible to myself. I am not a medical doctor, nor have I studied any of this professionally. I urge you to not take any of what I say as a fact, rather use it as a reference point to ask more questions. I appreciate the positive feedback that this fic has received more than you’ll ever know. Thank you very much!:)

**Author's Note:**

> I get that people think that Natasha is always in Black Widow mode, but Shield had help her break and remake herself, and it’s hard to have dignity when doing that, I think. So I don’t apologize for the out of characterness of this, because I think they both would be this blunt.
> 
> I know that somebody will yell at me for this, and that’s alright. This was sort of a pet project of mine, and I needed to define some things through the power of fanfiction. So all comments about lack of realism will be ignored unless they are clearly explained, pointing out exactly what is offensive, because I’ve experienced some of this, and I know others that have at least written about it. This is not self-insertion, because I could see Natasha feeling like this after using sex as a weapon, and I think completely different than this so yeah. Although it is ranting about how people either need to be 100% asexual or not at all. Feel free to criticize any grammar or spelling.
> 
> Flames will be ignored, especially if they mock things that aren't even in the fic or relevant to it.


End file.
